I'm just incredibly lonely. No matter how many arms approve of physical consolation, I am torn. I have lost my sight and I can not distinguish right or wrong. I just want to feel loved. I want to grow and smile, like a small strawberry seedling. I'm lost under the dirt and I'm not sure if it's helping me grow stronger, or swallowing me up.

please, tell me I'm not the only one to feel so.
how could i train myself not to feel anymore? by putting a metal plate between each spinal knot. Why couldn't he listen to me.

I finally go back to work tomorrow. I just wish I had something a little more meaningful to do. I want to head out and invest some of my free time in some "painting by numbers" -only because I should at least have that, if I do not have the pleasure to have a meaningful work schedule.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Bang. Bang.

What I have been doing in my spare time…is…complaining. You know. Cause I’m a woman. The other things include vocal exercising and regular bodily exercises. f***. I went from a 36 B to a 38 D. I have huge jugs. And I know it’s grossly inappropriate to mention, but I am working my ass off to lose those puppies. Why? My chest hurts =/ no one understands the price you pay when you have big boobies. Except huge boobie girls who went on birth control and now have gi-normous boobies. So…there.

I’m doing way better.

i just became the solitaire champion. f***, yes.

those tire tracks. zigzag

Good evening. I’m right now over at Cahills. Had an incredible adventure today. Maybe I’m not a bad match maker after all. Hmm. Well. I can hook up anyone with anybody for a one nighter, I suppose. Pimp. I got the better end of the deal, I did.

Well. I’m bored. And I have nothing in depth to say about myself or the things I am executing.

But hey! I got to see an interesting spot. It over looks the mountains and its just amazing. I love cliffs and woods. Reminds me of Alec. I see these beautiful things and I think of him. I miss my baby boy. He’s up at the motor cross today. Which I am extremely happy he went. Honestly. I love when he’s doing things he truly enjoys. I wish I could have seen him racing! Badass. That cliff was sweet though, I could jump it. Splatter of Stranger. ^_^

Anywho. lets, uhh RACE PINKS!

Sort of have work at 10. I'm in my trashy, jersey_white 100% cotton tee shirt. I don't want to go out today. Feel as though, through the night I transformed into a werewolf. I have to train the next best florist today, I hope I don't rip out her skeleton. Oh, man. I would just because now I have to split my hours.
So nothing from Alistair. Thats fine. I just don't like his friend, Bear...always seeing this as the next opportunity to try and get with me. I just want peace. And in order for myself to gain that I must first be broken down in pieces. Similar to yesterday, but I feel at least 70% better about life and want to live again *large smile*. I will never understand why men become fickle woman after you play with them. They're humans to, and emotion is stubborn when it comes to matters of the flesh. Ah, lust. How magical is lust. I am a very passionate person when it comes down to stripping me of all other feelings. My aura is a filthy deep red. sigh~ This makes me feel like I just ate a ton of chocolate and are just laying my head to nap. I feel good. If he downs return, I still have a length of time in my life. Oh god, I have to just talk about one thing. When girls like me, my ego gets confused! Girls are pretty. I'll admit i begin to get a little curious after they tell me they want me. After all, I do not believe we are attracted to the opposite gender all the time. However, I do not wish to do a girl. I like real peen, way better.

Thank you. Now I need to dress for the murder. 9:twenty 4
procrastination! ! ! ! ! !

Friday, can't wait to play with those sweet tribal drum kits. <3

It’s that sudden jolt that abruptly rushes through you when you know you are at the end of a cycle. I don’t know if anyone would come across my thoughts. Then again. That feels safer than pairs of eyes trying to break me down and build me up.
I had fallen into conversation with a close friend of mine. We discussed relationships. I noted that for myself, I grow alone, but when I conjoin with my partner, I grow faster as we wrap our vines together. Soon as the cessation occurs, I wither. Soon I’ll grow again. The cycle never truly terminates it just slows down.
My one issue, I can captivate those who do not trap me. I do not fall easy. I’ve always noticed that. That one element, that one charismatic smile has to set a fire in me, before I even dare say I like you.
I’m trying to listen to the answers instead of ask questions. If I try to hold the pieces together and squint my eyes…I can see him and I sitting by the lake again. It’s been some time. And today reawakened sadness occurred. I’ve been hurt plenty of times and I still feel. My heart swells and I begin to produce tears.
Of course I am willing to make reparations. Of course I am willing to. I wrote him today.
I am nervous for the outcome. I don’t think we will be by the lake. I don’t think we’ll exist anywhere as the adventure twins. You put so much into one person, and because you know everything is requited. You do not care if they can not process back the affection as clearly as you do. You know they care about you.
Now I am bawling to Enya. Good grief. I need to stop being so vulnerable to emotion.
I’m going to go back to my book of illustrations… Belly dance… Then who knows where I will be. The interweb, maybe.
I just wonder if Alistair is thinking of me. I miss him so =/